Lost & Found

Romans 8:28 (NIV)

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Back in 1996 when William & I were living near Atlanta, GA, we were so excited to be expecting our first child.  We'd tried for months to conceive, so when I tested positive, we were over the moon dreaming about this new person who would be joining our family!

November 13, 1996, 15 years ago, our dream turned into nightmare as the ultrasound that followed the spotting at the very end of my first trimester indicated that our tiny child's heart was no longer beating.  I became ill at the news and my doctor scheduled a D&C for the following day.

Why would God let this happen to us?  Why would he take our baby that He knew was so wanted?  The tears flowed until there were none left.

That night, I woke up with severe cramps -every 5 minutes.  Nobody told me that this might happen!  There we were, green as grass, far from family with me in labor with our dead baby.  Blood.  Lots of blood.  Pain.  So much pain.  

I prayed for God to make it stop, for him to make my baby not dead, to turn back time.  I was in a vortex, and William felt helpless.

Our child was gone.

William rushed me to the hospital where there was nothing to do to help me -really.

Too many people said a lot of inappropriate things seemingly not comprehending that one person's life cannot be replaced with another.  (TIP:  Just say your sorry, and shut your mouth.)  Other women shared their experiences with me.  I hadn't known that 1 of 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.  I was now, in the "club," and somehow that was a little bit of a comfort to know that others knew my pain.

I was pretty upset with God.  I didn't understand how or why He would let something like this happen to us.  We'd been growing in our faith a lot since hooking up with our church there, and honestly, I felt betrayed by God.

I would lie in bed crying to God every night.  My heart really, really hurt, and poor William didn't know what to say or do to help me.

One week in church, the message was about trusting God, so I laid into Him that night!  "I trusted YOU you take care of my baby, and YOU didn't!!"  That night while I was asleep, a peace came over me, and I was told, "I am taking care of your baby -better than you ever could there on earth."  

Whoa!  Freaky!!  It was awesome!  God spoke to ME, and I actually heard HIM!

As awful as the experience was, I can see how it was used to shape me into who I am and how I see things.  The four children that I have now are that much MORE precious.  I've been able to minister to other young mothers lost pieces of their hearts through miscarriage, and my faith grew so much through the pain I felt and the love I received!  

I lost a child, but I found so much faith in my God who really does love me.

I am so thankful for that life that touched mine. 

Jeremiah 29:11-14a (NIV) 
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,”...

~Blessed with Jeremy Paul 11 months later!~